waiting for it all to fall down around me

i feel scared and insecure. but everything is going well. school is going well, i like (most of) my classes, and the one i dont i think i am going to drop anyway because its incredibly boring so far. (marine ecology! who would have thought it would be boring?) my roommates are lovely, i have a bunch of great great friends. frank is good, but busy. i've applied for teach for america and i am really hoping to get in, even if i chose that it is not the right avenue for me and i don't accept, right now i dont know if it is the right path or not. true, i havent unpacked from christmas break yet and some other various loose ends, but i still feel like everything else is just on the verge of collapse. i got pretty mad at a really good friend of mine and although i still think my arguments were valid, i really feel now like i was taking it out on him. i feel like im becoming addicted to caffiene and alcohol and being needed. i need to stop, step back, and try to figure out whats going on here, but i dont think its something i can figure out. my future will not be decided by my thinking about it. it is just something that needs to happen. i dont know. sometimes i wish i could tell the future, but then what? everything in me and everything around me is telling me that i dont want to know. so what does that mean?